Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Just... just let me sleep.

It has been a long time since I've posted anything so I looked back over the ramblings from the last few months. Am I insane ? It all makes sense to me but I know it shouldn't. Why is there no hint of the caged Devil that is here ? There is no sign of what I am. If one were to soak a Demon in concrete, find something important to him to threaten, and keep him too sedated to do anything about either situation... that impotent evil has-been would be me.

Universe... either save me or kill me. Don't let me rot. Recycle me. Blast my matter back into the ebb and flow of your own. What good comes of this waste ? What purpose can I serve as a caged nothing ? What once was is no longer here ! Take the shell that's left and do SOMETHING ! All I can do is influence... I can't even live vicariously. I wind up toys that happen by and send them off in one direction or another. I can't even see them once they go along their way. Am I to simply stay and fuel such tiny gears ? Am I rolling this goddamned rock up a hill for nothing more than giggles ?!?

4/28/2010 4:45AM

I've created a lovely fortress. Once I thought of it as a bubble... but I cannot see out and no one can see in. My beautiful buffer. My sacred walls. From time to time I peer out. Once in a while I venture beyond it's walls. Always, always I return.

I've cut so many ties. Some were as painful to sever as ripping an arm right off. It is survival. I have to live. I have to live so that I can provide. To live as some automaton would be fine with me but it seems that something in my makeup will not allow me to function on autopilot indefatigably. I had no idea that happiness was a necessity. I had no idea that I NEED to love and be loved, or at least to believe that it's possible. My life has become so ludicrous... I'm actually grieved that I couldn't give up and become some sort of meat puppet. I'm forced to hope.

I hate hope.

Hope... the plague of mankind.