Wednesday, April 28, 2010

4/28/2010 4:45AM

I've created a lovely fortress. Once I thought of it as a bubble... but I cannot see out and no one can see in. My beautiful buffer. My sacred walls. From time to time I peer out. Once in a while I venture beyond it's walls. Always, always I return.

I've cut so many ties. Some were as painful to sever as ripping an arm right off. It is survival. I have to live. I have to live so that I can provide. To live as some automaton would be fine with me but it seems that something in my makeup will not allow me to function on autopilot indefatigably. I had no idea that happiness was a necessity. I had no idea that I NEED to love and be loved, or at least to believe that it's possible. My life has become so ludicrous... I'm actually grieved that I couldn't give up and become some sort of meat puppet. I'm forced to hope.

I hate hope.

Hope... the plague of mankind.

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