Sunday, January 24, 2010


Today, dear Universe, I can feel your current sweeping me along. I don't really have the strength or will to do much more than be carried.

Today I believe I found a place to move into in March. It's small and cozy and looks peaceful. Today... today I begin packing. Driving back from apartment hunting I was enjoying Bob Dylan and a beautiful combination of rain and sun. Leaving the window down in my old truck, I let the rain drift in and land on my face. Somewhere, deep under the armor I now wear, the faintest beginnings of a smile were forming. Just as the smile was about to materialize in full form, I turned into my neighborhood. The smile was quickly tucked back beneath the armor as I turned down, and followed, this street so awash with memories. It is steeped in memories of a chapter in my life that is, with my moving, being closed. Even as I go through my things and decide what goes with me and what will go into the abyss I am assailed by a past that I do not regret, but do find hard to bear. I suppose I could shed the weight of these last few years. I could drown in some other life and let it wash away all but the faintest of memories. I am tempted...

No matter how much it would relieve me. No matter how much it would unburden an already tired soul... I cannot let this past fade. It isn't blind refusal to move on. It isn't a stubborn attempt to dwell there. It is because if I forget, if I allow it all to fade, I won't just shed the pain. I will shed the memories of a time in my life that was truly happy. I could never completely walk away from it all anyway. To do so would mean leaving behind and forgetting my best and closest friend.

As always... the good of having her in my life far outweighs the bad.

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