Friday, December 31, 2010

Why aren't my fake smiles good enough ?

I smile for the sake of others. I can't conjure up a genuine smile to save my life but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the judgement that it brings from others once they've figured out that I only smile for their benefit. Somehow an act that was for their benefit becomes treason. Shouldn't they feel bad for ME rather than themselves ?
I put on this exhausting act to make people happy. It really is a lot of work but in the end it's not only not appreciated it's grounds to label me a liar. I'm posing this question to you, dear Universe. Answer it and I'll give you my best and brightest fake smile.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It has been quite a while my dearest foe.

I... I don't know. I'm listening to the soundtrack for the new Tron movie and letting it take me through the emotional tides of each song. My laptop sits on a mop bucket in a corner of the kitchen so that I can plug it in to the stereo there. There isn't a room in this place that doesn't have musical output of some sort. I am sitting, cross legged in front of said bucket, with a glass of Ouzo and ice water, clacking away my message to you and wondering where to begin. I suppose we've covered the immediate present. There's really not enough time to cover the past, at least not until I'm given my own apartment in your eternal and infinite condo complex. Not much to say about the foreseeable future either as I've turned off my own foresight in order to preserve my sanity. This doesn't leave me with much to say but I feel as though a torrent of secrets, desires, and issues are threatening some internal damn. An ocean of who-knows-what is pressing its way forward and since I don't know what it is I don't know how to release it.

I'll try my best to channel it. However, be forewarned that should it press onward before I'm prepared... you will be drowned in a deluge of chaotic and malformed thoughts and emotion.

Heads up U. It's on its way.