Why aren't my fake smiles good enough ?

I smile for the sake of others. I can't conjure up a genuine smile to save my life but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the judgement that it brings from others once they've figured out that I only smile for their benefit. Somehow an act that was for their benefit becomes treason. Shouldn't they feel bad for ME rather than themselves ?
I put on this exhausting act to make people happy. It really is a lot of work but in the end it's not only not appreciated it's grounds to label me a liar. I'm posing this question to you, dear Universe. Answer it and I'll give you my best and brightest fake smile.

It has been quite a while my dearest foe.

I... I don't know. I'm listening to the soundtrack for the new Tron movie and letting it take me through the emotional tides of each song. My laptop sits on a mop bucket in a corner of the kitchen so that I can plug it in to the stereo there. There isn't a room in this place that doesn't have musical output of some sort. I am sitting, cross legged in front of said bucket, with a glass of Ouzo and ice water, clacking away my message to you and wondering where to begin. I suppose we've covered the immediate present. There's really not enough time to cover the past, at least not until I'm given my own apartment in your eternal and infinite condo complex. Not much to say about the foreseeable future either as I've turned off my own foresight in order to preserve my sanity. This doesn't leave me with much to say but I feel as though a torrent of secrets, desires, and issues are threatening some internal damn. An ocean of who-knows-what is pressing its way forward and since I don't know what it is I don't know how to release it.

I'll try my best to channel it. However, be forewarned that should it press onward before I'm prepared... you will be drowned in a deluge of chaotic and malformed thoughts and emotion.

Heads up U. It's on its way.

Ahem... I had no idea I had an audience O_o

Well... I'm just now realizing that people have actually commented on my blogs O.o Once I'm over the awkwardness along the lines of being caught singing in the shower I suppose I'll continue my little tete-a-tete with you dear Universe. There's plenty we must discuss.

Just... just let me sleep.

It has been a long time since I've posted anything so I looked back over the ramblings from the last few months. Am I insane ? It all makes sense to me but I know it shouldn't. Why is there no hint of the caged Devil that is here ? There is no sign of what I am. If one were to soak a Demon in concrete, find something important to him to threaten, and keep him too sedated to do anything about either situation... that impotent evil has-been would be me.

Universe... either save me or kill me. Don't let me rot. Recycle me. Blast my matter back into the ebb and flow of your own. What good comes of this waste ? What purpose can I serve as a caged nothing ? What once was is no longer here ! Take the shell that's left and do SOMETHING ! All I can do is influence... I can't even live vicariously. I wind up toys that happen by and send them off in one direction or another. I can't even see them once they go along their way. Am I to simply stay and fuel such tiny gears ? Am I rolling this goddamned rock up a hill for nothing more than giggles ?!?

4/28/2010 4:45AM

I've created a lovely fortress. Once I thought of it as a bubble... but I cannot see out and no one can see in. My beautiful buffer. My sacred walls. From time to time I peer out. Once in a while I venture beyond it's walls. Always, always I return.

I've cut so many ties. Some were as painful to sever as ripping an arm right off. It is survival. I have to live. I have to live so that I can provide. To live as some automaton would be fine with me but it seems that something in my makeup will not allow me to function on autopilot indefatigably. I had no idea that happiness was a necessity. I had no idea that I NEED to love and be loved, or at least to believe that it's possible. My life has become so ludicrous... I'm actually grieved that I couldn't give up and become some sort of meat puppet. I'm forced to hope.

I hate hope.

Hope... the plague of mankind.

3/12/2010 1:54AM

My best friend and most worthy opponent...
Won't you come and finish what you started ?
Won't you come and finish me ?
I am defeated.
End me now.
Honor demands it.
I beg.

3/6/2010

Fine... so I'm a wererabbit. What now ?

2/16/2010 1:07AM

Dearest Universe,

I feel more and more compelled to withdraw as much as I can from you. I find myself speaking less, interacting with few, and forgetting more. What shall I become ?

2/9/2010

The two "mes" seem to be polarizing...

2/5/2010

Even an evil mess like me has to stop and enjoy the simple smile that comes with a statement like this...

Taxes are DONE bitches !

2/4/2010

Since severing myself from the internet universe (this outlet excluded of course) I can actually FEEL the lack of a connection. Where as I used to be able to send a little tendril out into the void and get responses... the only recipient of THIS outpouring would be you dear Universe. It is equal parts lonesome and liberating. My little experiment here is helping to reinforce my need to interact with people in a real way. Too many of us, I feel, rely on this new connection to each other. We are forgetting what it is to see a smile rather than a :).

2/3/2010 1:57AM

Cleaning numbers out of my phone tonight. Preparing for my disappearance, I must have erased close to 30 numbers. It's a depressing thought to "throw away" 30 people. To have come in contact with so many during this transitional phase only to leave them behind when I move on to the next. Sometimes I wonder if it's the right thing to do...

But I need to survive. There are more lives at stake than just my own.

LMFAO

Morbid ? A bit. Funny as hell though :D

http://www.a1b2c3.com/suilodge/metfun1.htm

2/2/2010

I will sing. I will sing and someone will come. Someone will come. Someone will come and we will be happy. We will be happy and they will kill me. They will kill me. They will kill me and I will sing. I will sing.

Light and Dark

Maybe the two can co-exist after all...


I'm going to have to withdraw from a lot of outside influences for a while. I need to figure out what, in reality, is truth and what is only accepted as truth. I'm going to have to scrap everything I know about the nature of Light and Dark and find out for myself what they really are. Is it possible that neither is "good" or "bad" ? I know that both are necessary and that both have their redeeming and useful qualities but... to what degree ? In what amounts ? At what times ? Are they even controllable ?

One can say, "Don't fight it. What will be will be." but I believe that we DO have a degree of control over our own destinies. Now that I can no longer claim allegiance to either side I must figure out where this leaves me and where to go from here.

Dear Universe,

I will affect you as you have affected me. This is the only thing that has never, and will never change. You WILL remember me.

1/27/2010

Bored. Ordering Chinese. Can't be interesting ALL of the time *grin*

DN Angel theme lyrics

Become as wings that outshine your sadness, cutting through the white darkness
Illuminated by the cold sun
I had some tame freedom
On the miraculous night reflected in the mirror
My soul began to remove its mask
On the other side of the crumbling wall
Despair and hope wear the same face
If your heart is not satisfied
Head towards the ending prologue that flies away...
In this world where the wind blows like a knife
What is it that I should protect?
When I know one pain after another
I draw closer to my true self
The fake light that is disappearing
The true light that is being born
In these hands...
Pierce through the white-dyed night
Go on creating a new era
With a heart that's been released
Fly through the endlessly continuing white night

1/25/2010 12:15AM

Today, Monday, marks the "dawn" of a new era. No more time share. No more smashing two selves into one life. From now on... "light" can have the day and "dark" can have the night. They can't co-exist. I've tried for far too long at the cost of my own happiness.

Universe... I only hope that you'll send someone my way who can not only handle both but love us both.

1/24/2010

Today, dear Universe, I can feel your current sweeping me along. I don't really have the strength or will to do much more than be carried.

Today I believe I found a place to move into in March. It's small and cozy and looks peaceful. Today... today I begin packing. Driving back from apartment hunting I was enjoying Bob Dylan and a beautiful combination of rain and sun. Leaving the window down in my old truck, I let the rain drift in and land on my face. Somewhere, deep under the armor I now wear, the faintest beginnings of a smile were forming. Just as the smile was about to materialize in full form, I turned into my neighborhood. The smile was quickly tucked back beneath the armor as I turned down, and followed, this street so awash with memories. It is steeped in memories of a chapter in my life that is, with my moving, being closed. Even as I go through my things and decide what goes with me and what will go into the abyss I am assailed by a past that I do not regret, but do find hard to bear. I suppose I could shed the weight of these last few years. I could drown in some other life and let it wash away all but the faintest of memories. I am tempted...

No matter how much it would relieve me. No matter how much it would unburden an already tired soul... I cannot let this past fade. It isn't blind refusal to move on. It isn't a stubborn attempt to dwell there. It is because if I forget, if I allow it all to fade, I won't just shed the pain. I will shed the memories of a time in my life that was truly happy. I could never completely walk away from it all anyway. To do so would mean leaving behind and forgetting my best and closest friend.

As always... the good of having her in my life far outweighs the bad.

1/24/2021 2:20 AM

I died in a dream today. I didn't think that was supposed to be possible. If it was accurate enough I now know what it feels like to die by shotgun blasts. O_o

1/23/2010

I should really try to put a little bit more about myself out there. As if you, universe, don't already know it all... maybe once things slow down.

However, where I'm at now is trying to figure out how, during the last 3 years, I went from being a living legend of debauchery to some screwed up sort of paladin. And, of course, I have to figure out where that leaves me or even if I AM me.

1/19/2010

I am... having to learn to accept and appreciate things in life as they are, rather than how I would have them. I've spent a lot of years fighting to shape and manipulate the world around me so that things are how I believe they should be. When I'd run into something that couldn't be manipulated I'd skew my own view.

Once again... I find myself still learning *grin* I'm glad to be learning... but I've always thought that I couldn't really enjoy life completely until I had all of the pieces so it's frustrating to think that I could have gotten even MORE out of the last 32 years. I know that I should be grateful that each revelation will add more to the life and years yet to come but I can't help but feel a bit cheated anyway. I even find myself "what-ifing", which I know is futile.

So, I suppose we'll call today a draw.

1/17/2010 2:30AM

Fuck me for doing the right thing. Really. Who in the hell would figure that when I'm compelled to quit doing bad things that people would be so against it. O_o I really never will understand people. Seriously.

1/14/2010

Coughing a lot. Should probably see a doctor for antibiotics. Who really has time or money for a doctor these days ?

In Gainesville through tomorrow for work. There is still snow on the ground here.

The days between my last entry and this one were certainly more eventful, but... that's also why there weren't any entries *grin* No time. I'm sure it will irritate me when I look back at this and all of the interesting bits have been left out.

1/11/2010

1/11/10

Monday... 'nuff said. Worked around the shop today. Probably a good thing because I didn't get much sleep. Got off around 3, came home, took 2 out of the chamber and knocked myself out until 6:30. I'm so restless now.

Last night, a hunger that should have been satiated was actually awakened further. O_o

She is, after all, my divine drug.