Maybe the two can co-exist after all...
I'm going to have to withdraw from a lot of outside influences for a while. I need to figure out what, in reality, is truth and what is only accepted as truth. I'm going to have to scrap everything I know about the nature of Light and Dark and find out for myself what they really are. Is it possible that neither is "good" or "bad" ? I know that both are necessary and that both have their redeeming and useful qualities but... to what degree ? In what amounts ? At what times ? Are they even controllable ?
One can say, "Don't fight it. What will be will be." but I believe that we DO have a degree of control over our own destinies. Now that I can no longer claim allegiance to either side I must figure out where this leaves me and where to go from here.
Dear Universe,
I will affect you as you have affected me. This is the only thing that has never, and will never change. You WILL remember me.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
DN Angel theme lyrics
Become as wings that outshine your sadness, cutting through the white darkness
Illuminated by the cold sun
I had some tame freedom
On the miraculous night reflected in the mirror
My soul began to remove its mask
On the other side of the crumbling wall
Despair and hope wear the same face
If your heart is not satisfied
Head towards the ending prologue that flies away...
In this world where the wind blows like a knife
What is it that I should protect?
When I know one pain after another
I draw closer to my true self
The fake light that is disappearing
The true light that is being born
In these hands...
Pierce through the white-dyed night
Go on creating a new era
With a heart that's been released
Fly through the endlessly continuing white night
Illuminated by the cold sun
I had some tame freedom
On the miraculous night reflected in the mirror
My soul began to remove its mask
On the other side of the crumbling wall
Despair and hope wear the same face
If your heart is not satisfied
Head towards the ending prologue that flies away...
In this world where the wind blows like a knife
What is it that I should protect?
When I know one pain after another
I draw closer to my true self
The fake light that is disappearing
The true light that is being born
In these hands...
Pierce through the white-dyed night
Go on creating a new era
With a heart that's been released
Fly through the endlessly continuing white night
1/25/2010 12:15AM
Today, Monday, marks the "dawn" of a new era. No more time share. No more smashing two selves into one life. From now on... "light" can have the day and "dark" can have the night. They can't co-exist. I've tried for far too long at the cost of my own happiness.
Universe... I only hope that you'll send someone my way who can not only handle both but love us both.
Universe... I only hope that you'll send someone my way who can not only handle both but love us both.
1/24/2010
Today, dear Universe, I can feel your current sweeping me along. I don't really have the strength or will to do much more than be carried.
Today I believe I found a place to move into in March. It's small and cozy and looks peaceful. Today... today I begin packing. Driving back from apartment hunting I was enjoying Bob Dylan and a beautiful combination of rain and sun. Leaving the window down in my old truck, I let the rain drift in and land on my face. Somewhere, deep under the armor I now wear, the faintest beginnings of a smile were forming. Just as the smile was about to materialize in full form, I turned into my neighborhood. The smile was quickly tucked back beneath the armor as I turned down, and followed, this street so awash with memories. It is steeped in memories of a chapter in my life that is, with my moving, being closed. Even as I go through my things and decide what goes with me and what will go into the abyss I am assailed by a past that I do not regret, but do find hard to bear. I suppose I could shed the weight of these last few years. I could drown in some other life and let it wash away all but the faintest of memories. I am tempted...
No matter how much it would relieve me. No matter how much it would unburden an already tired soul... I cannot let this past fade. It isn't blind refusal to move on. It isn't a stubborn attempt to dwell there. It is because if I forget, if I allow it all to fade, I won't just shed the pain. I will shed the memories of a time in my life that was truly happy. I could never completely walk away from it all anyway. To do so would mean leaving behind and forgetting my best and closest friend.
As always... the good of having her in my life far outweighs the bad.
Today I believe I found a place to move into in March. It's small and cozy and looks peaceful. Today... today I begin packing. Driving back from apartment hunting I was enjoying Bob Dylan and a beautiful combination of rain and sun. Leaving the window down in my old truck, I let the rain drift in and land on my face. Somewhere, deep under the armor I now wear, the faintest beginnings of a smile were forming. Just as the smile was about to materialize in full form, I turned into my neighborhood. The smile was quickly tucked back beneath the armor as I turned down, and followed, this street so awash with memories. It is steeped in memories of a chapter in my life that is, with my moving, being closed. Even as I go through my things and decide what goes with me and what will go into the abyss I am assailed by a past that I do not regret, but do find hard to bear. I suppose I could shed the weight of these last few years. I could drown in some other life and let it wash away all but the faintest of memories. I am tempted...
No matter how much it would relieve me. No matter how much it would unburden an already tired soul... I cannot let this past fade. It isn't blind refusal to move on. It isn't a stubborn attempt to dwell there. It is because if I forget, if I allow it all to fade, I won't just shed the pain. I will shed the memories of a time in my life that was truly happy. I could never completely walk away from it all anyway. To do so would mean leaving behind and forgetting my best and closest friend.
As always... the good of having her in my life far outweighs the bad.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
1/24/2021 2:20 AM
I died in a dream today. I didn't think that was supposed to be possible. If it was accurate enough I now know what it feels like to die by shotgun blasts. O_o
1/23/2010
I should really try to put a little bit more about myself out there. As if you, universe, don't already know it all... maybe once things slow down.
However, where I'm at now is trying to figure out how, during the last 3 years, I went from being a living legend of debauchery to some screwed up sort of paladin. And, of course, I have to figure out where that leaves me or even if I AM me.
However, where I'm at now is trying to figure out how, during the last 3 years, I went from being a living legend of debauchery to some screwed up sort of paladin. And, of course, I have to figure out where that leaves me or even if I AM me.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
1/19/2010
I am... having to learn to accept and appreciate things in life as they are, rather than how I would have them. I've spent a lot of years fighting to shape and manipulate the world around me so that things are how I believe they should be. When I'd run into something that couldn't be manipulated I'd skew my own view.
Once again... I find myself still learning *grin* I'm glad to be learning... but I've always thought that I couldn't really enjoy life completely until I had all of the pieces so it's frustrating to think that I could have gotten even MORE out of the last 32 years. I know that I should be grateful that each revelation will add more to the life and years yet to come but I can't help but feel a bit cheated anyway. I even find myself "what-ifing", which I know is futile.
So, I suppose we'll call today a draw.
Once again... I find myself still learning *grin* I'm glad to be learning... but I've always thought that I couldn't really enjoy life completely until I had all of the pieces so it's frustrating to think that I could have gotten even MORE out of the last 32 years. I know that I should be grateful that each revelation will add more to the life and years yet to come but I can't help but feel a bit cheated anyway. I even find myself "what-ifing", which I know is futile.
So, I suppose we'll call today a draw.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
1/17/2010 2:30AM
Fuck me for doing the right thing. Really. Who in the hell would figure that when I'm compelled to quit doing bad things that people would be so against it. O_o I really never will understand people. Seriously.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1/14/2010
Coughing a lot. Should probably see a doctor for antibiotics. Who really has time or money for a doctor these days ?
In Gainesville through tomorrow for work. There is still snow on the ground here.
The days between my last entry and this one were certainly more eventful, but... that's also why there weren't any entries *grin* No time. I'm sure it will irritate me when I look back at this and all of the interesting bits have been left out.
In Gainesville through tomorrow for work. There is still snow on the ground here.
The days between my last entry and this one were certainly more eventful, but... that's also why there weren't any entries *grin* No time. I'm sure it will irritate me when I look back at this and all of the interesting bits have been left out.
Monday, January 11, 2010
1/11/2010
1/11/10
Monday... 'nuff said. Worked around the shop today. Probably a good thing because I didn't get much sleep. Got off around 3, came home, took 2 out of the chamber and knocked myself out until 6:30. I'm so restless now.
Last night, a hunger that should have been satiated was actually awakened further. O_o
She is, after all, my divine drug.
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